I’m a big proponent of self-reflection, and I had planned to pause, at some point, and reflect on what I’m doing here and how it’s going. I’m also big on anniversary dates and I thought it would be great to do this reflection two or three weeks, even exactly a month, from the first post. But today it’s gray out, there’s a chill in the air, I’ve been for a walk through the rural cemetery, and the house is quiet. I think the moment of reflection is now.
I can hardly believe that I’ve only been doing this blog for a week and half. It’s taken an incredible amount of energy and focus to get it going. It’s not the writing, though that is part of it because I want to put my best words forward; it’s that the writing has to mean something. That was always the intent. I can’t just write, “Today I will do such-and-such” and leave it at that. I have to then go do it. And once I say I’m going to do something, it’s like it’s tattooed onto my soul. I will follow-through to the letter, or berate myself for not, ’til the end days.
My very first post I likened this blog to a ship being launched. Ironically, or in the spirit of synchronicty, this past week I was roped into watching a documentary on British shipyards in Glasgow. There was a wonderful description by one of the old ship builders on what it was like to launch a new ship. After the champagne was smashed against the hull and the ship was released, for long moments it seemed like the ship would never move. Then ever so slowly this great mass of metal, into which these men had put their sweat and souls, started to slide…first just an inch, so it was imperceptible, then another inch, then noticeably, then so you could hear the supporting wood beams crashing away and there was no stopping it. Perhaps because I invoked this metaphor, that’s exactly what I’ve felt about this blog. The first week, it was as if we were going nowhere, not in content but in purpose. I found myself consumed with what I had to write…rather then what I would do. There was also the new, almost paralyzing, sensation of being so visible, of have my writing, creative process, and well, my self on display. I had moments of serious concern that my idea of trying to be a writer was actually going to have the reverse effect. Like building ship that would never make it into the water!
But when I say I’m going to do something, I do. So, every day I kept at it…both the writing and the doing, as time-consuming and unbalanced as it felt.
And what has happened? These last few days I’ve seen the first signs of movement. They’re slight, but they’re there. I’m finding which times of day, depending on the day, work best to write my post. I’m finding myself jotting down what I want to do on what days of the coming week, and being excited about it. I find myself motivated by what I’m going to do, not focused on the fact that I have to report on it. I feel empowered, and I also feel grateful…for the support I’ve receive in this endeavor…the kind words, followers, just general interest. Rather than paralyzing me it has actually given me a sense of freedom and helped to focus me on my original intent. Today I awoke and felt like I was truly starting to live like a writer.
The ship is, indeed, moving down the slipway…slowly, but it is! And this ship is mine. These posts are not mandated reports to the Admiralty…they are my personal captain’s log of my adventures.
I have put in my treasure trove the song which has currently captured my heart. It can’t be a coincidence that I also recently dreamed about blackbirds. I think there are crows and starlings in the masts of this ship…